


Pain

by grassysvu67



Category: Better Call Saul (TV)
Genre: Character Death, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:22:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25560529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grassysvu67/pseuds/grassysvu67
Summary: Jimmy visits Chuck on the anniversary of their father's death.
Relationships: Jimmy McGill | Saul Goodman/Kim Wexler
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	Pain

Jimmy wasn’t really sure what led him to the cemetery on this chilly winter afternoon in Albuquerque. Maybe because it was the anniversary of their father’s death. Maybe it was just a cruel coincidence.

It had been a only been few months since he was here trying to convince people he was grieving his brother. Watermelon Pickles was the mantra he repeated over and over that day, convincing all the passersby he was missing his dead brother. Today the cemetery was emptier. Chuck’s grave had been visited recently judging by the fresh flowers. They had to have been from Howard. Jimmy thought well maybe he should visit more and bring Chuck flowers. No. That thought quickly faded.

But here he was, standing in front of Chuck’s grave. _Charles Limburg McGill. “_ Hey Chuck…um…sorry I haven’t visited much. I’ve been busy and all…I got my law license back and I’ve been working hard. Kim and I got married and we’re thinking about buying a house and some land soon…” Jimmy stopped himself from going further. He wondered how Chuck would react, _Oh that’s great Jimmy! I’m so happy for the two of you,_ or _You’re a lawyer again? I thought I made it clear how dangerous and stupid this was_.”

Jimmy shook his head. Jimmy already knew the answer.

“So, I guess you know what today is, huh? Funny right? That I would pick today of all days to come visit you? So how did you manage to explain what you did to Mom? Did you break her heart?” Jimmy scoffed. He ran his fingers through his hair and stepped back. He tried to compose himself. He prepared for this moment in his head for a while now but like most things in Jimmy’s life, it didn’t go according to plan.

“Charles Limburg McGill,” Jimmy seethed, “You always said you and Dad were a lot alike. You both were selfish assholes in the end, weren’t you? Leaving others to pick of the pieces? You never could handle grief very well. I remember how you took off soon after we buried Dad. You left Mom and I to pick up the pieces. She needed you there. She needed both of us! Mom needed us both.”

Jimmy’s anger was rising inside of him. It felt as though a dam was breaking inside him and years of repressed hurt and rage was boiling to the surface. “But you ran and blamed me for everything like the fucking coward you were. It took me a long time to realize that I didn’t cause Dad’s suicide. Mom never blamed me but you sure as hell did! Dad pushed us away when we tried to help him! I couldn’t force him to do anything, you know that better than anyone. You would have saw that if you were around more. Hey, did you know Mom couldn’t even go into her bedroom after Dad killed himself? She told me she could still see him hanging there.” Jimmy blinked away the tears that were building up in his eyes. His anger and pent up grief were overwhelming. He was shaking, “Just what the fuck Chuck?!”

“And another thing! You really think I stole $15,000 dollars from Mom and Dad? Jesus, Chuck! I know am an asshole, but I am not that big of one! You want the truth? Yeah, I stole a few bucks here and there over the years, but I didn’t rob them blind! You knew the truth about how shitty of a businessman Dad was! You knew how he gave out money to every pretend charity case who came into the shop. But you blamed me instead of Dad’s own fuckups. I know you told Kim your little story. What were you trying to do? Get her to break up with me? Get her to hate me? All the stunts you pulled with Kim and me while she was at HHM, yeah anyone with half a brain cell knows you were behind all of it. You, spineless bastard, using that poor dumbfuck Howard as your pawn. Were you jealous that I got the girl and the girl was fucking brilliant and not some low life floosy from Cicero? Or was this all part of your twisted plan Chuck keep me down? You couldn’t stand to see me succeed in any way. Every time I did something good, you always found a way to ruin it.” Jimmy threw up his hands in utter frustration.

For most of his life, all Jimmy wanted was for Chuck to love him and accept him as a brother. Jimmy thought about the day Chuck stood up for him in front of the Bar Association. It was one of the few times that Chuck was truly proud of him.

_“Thank you, Chuck for doing this. I know you’re busy and all…” Jimmy’s voice trailed off._

_“This is the least I could do for you, Jimmy. You worked hard to get here._

_“Look at us. The McGill Boys now fighters for justice,” Jimmy beamed._

_Chuck laughed, “That’s right.”_

_“I wish Mom could be here to see this,” Jimmy couldn’t hide the sadness in his voice._

_“Me too. She would be so proud of her baby boy. And Jimmy? I want you to know that I’m very proud of you.” Chuck said before giving Jimmy a hug._

Jimmy tried over and over again to earn his brother’s respect and love. They were family, Jimmy thought, and family was supposed to love and support each other. Just as it seemed Chuck was about to give it to Jimmy, Chuck drew back, crushing a piece of Jimmy’s soul each time.

Despite everything Chuck said and did, it was always Jimmy who was there when Chuck needed someone the most. The night Rebecca left; Jimmy was right there with a bottle of scotch.

“ _I can’t believe Rebecca left me! I gave her everything, Jimmy! Everything! I don’t know what went wrong?” Chuck sat with his head in his hands._

_Jimmy put his hand on his brother’s back, “I know it hurts and it’s not fair. I thought you guys were gonna make it. But sometimes,” Jimmy chose his next words carefully, “sometimes life just has other plans. You’ll get through this. After all you’re Mom’s son. If there is one thing, we got from her was her resilience.”_

_Chuck sighed and gave Jimmy a weak smile, “I guess you do have a point.”_

_"_ _Here, drink up.” Jimmy said handing his brother a glass of scotch, “I do have some experience in the whole marriage falling apart thing. If I can get through it, I know you can.”_

_“Jimmy? Can you stay over?”_

_“Of course! You’re my brother. I’m not going to leave you hanging like this.”_

When Chuck became too sick to leave the house, it was Jimmy who was there twice a day checking on him, sitting with him. All those times, Chuck ended up in the hospital, it was Jimmy who came running to protect his brother from the doctors who wanted to commit him. But did it matter? In the end, Chuck turned on Jimmy once again. “You never really mattered all that much to me.”

One week later, Chuck was dead. Jimmy was left standing there broken and unable to help his brother when Chuck needed it the most.

“I just don't get it. Why did you do it, Chuck? Why? All you had to do was reach out to me and you knew I would be there. I would have been there…” Jimmy reached out to grab his brother’s gravestone, “You’re my brother, we’re family.” Jimmy began to cry.

“Jimmy?” A familiar voice called to him.

Jimmy turned around to find Kim standing behind him, looking at him with concern, “Kim, I…I just…”

“It’s okay,” Kim said quietly as she stepped to close the distance between them.

Jimmy quickly wiped his eyes and tried to regain composure, “How did you know I was here?”

“I had a hunch.”

“How much did you hear?”

“Most of it.”

“Oh.” Jimmy nodded and then looked down at his feet, avoiding Kim’s gaze.

Kim reached for Jimmy’s hand and gave it a gentle reassuring squeeze.

“Why did he hate me Kim? I was his brother.”

Kim was not a fan of Chuck McGill, and she had a deep distain for all the pain that Chuck caused Jimmy over the years. But this wasn’t the time nor the place to air her grievances about the deceased McGill brother. Jimmy needed her. So without saying a word, she pulled Jimmy into her warm embrace.

“I would have helped him. I could have saved him. He didn’t have to die like that. He promised he wouldn’t be like Dad. He promised,” Jimmy cried into Kim’s shoulder.

“I don’t know why Chuck did what he did. But Chuck was sick and refused to help when he needed it most. He pushed you away, just like how your dad pushed you and your mom away. Please don’t beat yourself up over this. Jimmy, none of this is your fault.”

Kim held Jimmy and let him cry for what felt like a long while, until Kim could feel Jimmy’s body become weary. “Hey, come on, let’s go home.”

Jimmy nodded as they walked hand in hand back to Kim’s car. Before Jimmy climbed into the passenger seat, he looked back towards Chuck’s grave. Jimmy made a vow to himself that no matter what the future holds for him and Kim, if he found himself slipping, he would reach out for help. He owed it to Kim, and he owed it to himself.


End file.
